Tuesday, July 16, 2013

5 More of the Weirdest Self-Published Books

For every brilliant self-publishing success, there seem to be about a thousand books that probably shouldn’t have seen the light of day. There are so many grammatically unsound novels and deathly dull memoirs these days that it’s barely worth remarking on.

But then there are the other self-published books. Far from dull, they’re so unusual as to make you do a double take. Who wrote them? And for whom? And, for the love of Pete, why?

I’ve sifted through the chaff so you don’t have to, and here are five more standouts. If you missed 5 Strangely Specific Self-Published Book Titles, give it a look as well, especially if your head could do with some scratching.

The Bible Code: Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed by Pamela Lillian Valemont 

"Verily I say unto thee: she was six weeks pregnant."

What really happened to Diana and Dodi in that tunnel in Paris? Well, if anybody knows anything, it’s gotta be Ancient Jews. 

How to Get a Nun Into Bed by Richard Grayson 

"Let me tell you about my seminary experiences."

Props to Grayson for at least recognizing that pick-up techniques are not one-size-fits-all. Double props for using himself on the cover -- that photo’s bound to melt off a scapular or two.

The story of an American tragedy, as it can only be told by internet-lurking glam-rock nerds.

While mostly a  collection of old message board posts made by Bowie fans in the days surrounding 9-11, this book also promises “hilarious chat excerpts,” so it’s not a total downer. Don’t worry that it’s just for message board insiders, either: the description asserts that even newcomers will enjoy hearing about “how things were in the good ol’ days when BowieNet Version 2 (with the green tile motif) first came online.” Ah, the good ol’ days. Tell us more, grandpa!

"Don't look at me. SHE'S the weird one. I'm regular."

Presumably for those who didn’t glean enough from John Gray’s Men Are From a Regular Place, Women Are From Somewhere Weird.

"Paramours" is misspelled on the cover, so maybe Mr. Bond needs a dictionary, too.

This book promises to tell all about Oprah’s hidden sexual agenda and carries a warning that it’s “an adult book with graphic language.” The author notes that “You will also need a dictionary to understand this book.” If it’s that graphic, maybe he means urbandictionary. *

*I could have linked to the site’s main page, but that particular page came up in my browser history and amused me no end.

Have you come across any no-publisher/small publisher weirdness? Please share. Ain’t nobody wearin’ a feather hat.


  1. I haven't come across any self published books, mainly because I tend to shy away from them. Nope, don't know why.

    By the way, do the authors really ask readers to pay for the books?

    1. I didn't pay a cent to get How to Get a Nun into Bed published. And you can also read it for free at Google Books.

    2. I am the author of The Bible Code Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed. It made the list among the top 100 books in the world in Philosophy, Religion and Spirituality.

      While you're at it, why don't you check out http://forensicnumerologyprofiling.wordpress.com/

  2. Little did you realize you'd provide some of the most prominent reviewing these author/publishers would ever see!

    My favorite example of this kind of thing was the self-published erotic vampire novella that was typeset in typewriter cursive, printed on something just up from blotter paper and bound in the manner of a high-school yearbook, and clearly by the printers of such books...it had been submitted to our chain bookstore in hopes we would consider ordering copies, or at least shelving them on consignment. And it was fully the equal, as a work of art, of its packaging. I'm only sorry I've utterly forgotten author and title.

    Best customer I dealt with, Colorful Subset: the one who'd claimed he'd seen a true, unedited NECRONOMICON (not any of the books that have borrowed the title, but the one HP Lovecraft would mention) bound in human skin. Could I special-order a copy of that for him?

    1. I've had bookstore customers ask for "the REAL Necronomicon." If such a thing existed, I'm pretty sure these folks wouldn't have had the kills to read it.