Monday, December 9, 2013

10 Most Bizarre Calendars for 2014

Another year, another crop of weird calendars.


At some point, calendar publishers must eventually run out of ideas—and to look at most of what you find in shops, it seems as if they have. The offerings for 2014 include a lot of the same old-same old, so you can still purchase all the Georgia O’Keeffe flowers, rustic barns, and shirtless firemen your boring heart desires. (Puppies and boobs also continue to have staying power.)


Luckily for the weirdos among us, a few forward-thinking (or perhaps backward-thinking) calendar publishers know that even crackpots need to know what day it is, and have provided some 2014 calendar choices to fulfill our most freakish of dreams.


1. Naked Vietnam Vets







They served their country; now they serve as our eye candy. Or maybe not so much candy as whatever the opposite of candy is. Chicken livers? The 2014 calendar is a fund-raiser for a veterans’ retreat in Australia, which may be why they’re so comfortable showing off everything down under.





2. Men of Game Development







You’re not the only one who can’t play BioShock without constantly wondering what the game designer looks like when reclining seductively in cut-offs.





3. Milky Pin-Ups




George Carlin once said that if you nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it from you. London photographer Jaroslav Wieczorkiewicz has nailed together pin-up style photographs and gallons of milk. The result is fascinating, if a little strange, as the liquid really does look like clothing. Maybe next year, someone will dowse the naked Vietnam vets with milk.





4. Des From’ Girls (Cheese Girls)







Maybe you like your milk products better when they're curdled and aged. If so, you might prefer the annual calendar from l'Association Fromages de Terroirs (that’s fancy-talk for “cheese club”), which juxtaposes curvaceous women with hefty hunks of French cheese. Holy smokes! Check out the rind on that Gruy√®re!






5. Banjo Babes





If everything you know about women comes from the annual weird calendar post, you might think the only things they enjoy are the fondling and wearing of dairy products. Hold onto your socks, because they can also play a mean banjo. (And you might need to meet some women who don’t have months attached to their names.) It should be pointed out that the models are actual accomplished banjo players who just happen to look nice when playing one upside down or in a tree.





6. Pooping Pooches





Most dog and cat calendars are missing the element of shame. Even the animals dressed up in everything from tutus to lederhosen manage to have an air of nobility about them, but not these guys, whose embarrassed expressions add a weirdly voyeuristic feel to the whole thing. This might be the perfect work calendar, if you really, really hate your job.



(Etsy)



7. Vampire Kitties




Man, somebody in marketing has really got their finger on the pulse of adolescent girls. (“They like—what? Vampires? Kittens? Somebody slap up a calendar!”) This couldn’t encapsulate the tween demographic any better without having a scratch ‘n’ sniff One Direction centerfold.





8. World Stamps Math Nerds Calendar




This calendar depicts not just mathematicians, mind you, but mathematicians that have been featured on stamps around the world. The algebraically-inclined philatelist in your basement will have fun for hours—a year, even!





9. North American Grain Elevators




Tread carefully before giving this one as a Christmas gift. The excitement just might overstimulate some folks. Note that these are North American grain elevators. Seriously, you can’t handle the European version.






10. Sharknado





The most ridiculous movie of the year is now the most ridiculous movie-based calendar. If you buy only one calendar featuring wind-hurled sharks on the streets of L.A., make it this one.




11. Bonus! 2012 and 2013’s Most Bizarre Calendar Picks That Updated for 2014




Goats in Trees are back for the third year with an 18-month multilingual edition.


Modern Tribe has found 12 more Nice Jewish guys.

Accordion Babes are back to give the Banjo Babes a run for their money.

That Weird Horse calendar has a 2014 edition, though no one’s sure why.








Want to see the weird calendars that didn’t quite make the cut? “Like” on Facebook via the button to the right to see the strangest of the outtakes.

13 comments:

  1. I was just looking at calendars today, Kelly, at the store! Couldn't find a single one I wanted. But that was before I saw the grain elevators! The Vet one might be a stocking stuffer for my 86 yr. old mom! I kinda like the milky way one!

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    1. Be careful with the grain elevators calendar. Don't over-excite yourself.

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  2. There are some rather disturbing calendars here. The nerd stamp one might be a nice addition to my stamp collection.

    Lee
    An A to Z Co-Host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. You should see the ones that didn't make the cut.

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  3. Truly mindbending Kelly - and I don't like the look of that acetelyne torch one bit (it's probably a guy thing ...)

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    1. I guess it is a guy thing. I, on the other hand, would be perfectly content atop a giant wheel of cheese.

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  4. Great calendar selection! As a cat person, I must say the Vampire Kitties calendar is a bit disturbing.

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    1. I'm up to my neck in cats, and I think it's pretty funny.

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  5. The vampire kitties are hysterical! The pooping pooches, on the other hand, are BEYOND disturbing. Just plain vile.

    I had to do a Google image search of Vampire Kitties to see the entire year. There's one with a kitty looking in a mirior and of course there's no reflection. Loved that. Inexplicably, the December kitty is dressed like Dracula. Maybe I'm too traditional but that one ought to be in October, don't you think?

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  6. These are hilarious. I might have to give my friend that Vampire Kitties one for Christmas. :)

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