Book Dirt

Paintings of bookshelves: Almost as lovely as the real thing

2012-02-26T16:40:00.001-05:00

Recently I watched an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents called “Premonition.” There were plenty of reasons for my attention to be held --not the least of which was a pretty young Chloris Leachman in an early role-- but what stole my focus in one scene was something not meant to steal it away: a painting of a bookshelf.

It was a simple painting, especially as seen on black and white film, but as a person who feels at sea unless surrounded by books, I was fascinated. On the show’s set it was placed above a wealthy man’s bed --a spot that would normally be bookless.

Attempt number 43 at grabbing a screenshot from an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents. The fact that I remember the painting in the background better than whatever is going on in this scene tells you something about me.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to capture a decent screenshot of the bookshelf painting. (That's John Forsythe persistently blocking my view. You know him better as Blake Carrington from Dynasty and also the voice of Charlie on Charlie's Angels. I know him better as the guy who kept blocking my screenshots.)

While real books would always be better, of course, it occurred to me that paintings of books would be a nice way to have the feel of them in places where it’s not practical, or even to magnify the feel of books in a room.

From incredibly realistic trompe l’oeil paintings to still lifes and whimsical watercolors, here are some of the most stunning examples of bookshelf paintings from around the web.


Books for Maria by Dmitri Samarov

Vintage cookbooks painting by Holly Farrell.


Vintage children's books painting by Holy Farrell.


Partition by Stanford Kay.

Literary Landscape by Stanford Kay.

Not shelved, but should be a familiar site to anyone with more books than space. Above three images from Ephraim Rubenstein's Book Piles series.

Somewhat bare shelves asking to be filled. Painting by Chelsea James.

Blue Ocean. Exceptionally realistic bookshelf painting by Victoria Reichelt.

Almost Famous by Victoria Reichelt.

As the Stars Shine Down by Christopher Stott.

Antique Books by Christopher Stott.

I love how the above two paintings look decayed but still seem bright. From EarthArt's Etsy shop.


So cute, my teeth hurt. Wouldn't this be sweet in a kid's room? From LNZ Art.

Which bookshelf painting is your favorite? And where would you hang it?

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Who Wrote Dante’s Inferno? Booksellers Really Wish You Knew.

2012-01-29T18:39:00.000-05:00

Dante wants to know: Who wrote my Inferno?

Anyone who works in a bookstore or library is used to the mangled titles. In between giving directions to the bathroom (the number one bookstore request of all time), we keep a poker face while fielding inquiries about The Count of Monte Crisco and How to Kill a Mockingbird. It’s easy not to crack, mostly because of how often the same twisted titles get repeated.

What never ceases to boggle the mind, though, is the number one non-bathroom question customers ask over and over again.

Who wrote Dante’s Inferno?

No joke, it’s something bookstore customers really want to know, and with alarming frequency. It’s tricky to keep from sounding curt when answering “Dante,” but it’s the correct and only response, despite the temptation to wickedly answer “Nostradamus” or even “Jackie Collins.”

I’m not sure why it’s poor Dante alone who falls prey to this phenomenon (though The Diary of Anne Frank gets occasional questions about its authorship, presumably by people who think it’s a work of fiction.)

No one ever walks in the door and asks, say, “Who wrote Shakespeare’s Hamlet?” or “Do you happen to know the author of Judy Blume’s Superfudge?” No, it’s Dante and The Inferno alone that befuddle students and mature adults alike.

Friends from other bookstores confirm that they hear it too, and so do librarians. And, to add to my astonishment, not only do people take to the Internet to ask who wrote Dante’s most famous work, but the Internet sometimes gets it shockingly wrong. (Screenshot below.)

So, just to be clear to anyone who pulls this article up in a search because they --like thousands of other bookstore customers across the country-- need to know who wrote Dante’s Inferno-- the answer you’re looking for is Dante.

But of course you knew that.

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Book shop employees and other folks: What are some of the most bizarre questions you've heard? And who wrote Dante's Inferno?

All Roads Lead to Book Dirt: Baby Beatnik Edition

2012-01-27T09:36:00.000-05:00


Book Dirt: for all your baby beatnik needs, apparently.

One of the unexpectedly hilarious perks of blogging comes from checking blog statistics. There among the page view numbers and traffic maps, I can also see which search terms led people my way.

In the case of Book Dirt, plenty of the folks who happened across my articles found them while entering the search terms “old books,” which means I must be doing something right.

Sometimes, though, the search terms that led readers to Book Dirt are downright confounding, leading me to scratch my head and wonder, “What on Earth were they looking for?”, “Why did they click Book Dirt in the search results?” --or even, “Should I notify the F.B.I.?”

Here are some recent bizarre searches from folks who landed on this page, whether they meant to or not.

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Search term: baby beatnik

What they were looking for: An overtly niche-specific doll? A hipster cartoon in the Muppet Babies vein? Parenting advice on raising bongo-playing progeny?

What they found: My post on beatnik spoofs, which, though it contains everything from Herman Munster spouting impromptu beat poetry to a hippie-fied Steve Buscemi, the post is 100% baby free.
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Search term: novel where man lives life from fortune cookie fortunes

What they were looking for: Probably Matt Kelsey who spent a year opening fortune cookies and letting the results guide his daily routine. While Matt’s (now defunct) blog isn’t exactly a novel, with so many bloggers getting book deals these days, it’s an easy mistake.

What they found: Book Dirt’s story on professional fortune cookie writers.
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Search term: morgue metal table

What they were looking for: I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the searcher wanted a table for a morgue? Either that, or they have a whimsicle interior decorator. Turns out, one can buy morgue tables online, even morgue tables for two.

What they found: Write a Mystery Novel, WIn a Morgue, which still doesn’t have a winner yet, so keep voting.
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Search term: pepe the king prawn cakes

What they were looking for: Given the number of Muppet confections photographed in blogs, a Pepe fan must have wanted an example of his favorite prawn star rendered in fondant. (I could only find one. It’s a group shot, and not the most flattering image of Pepe.)

What they found: The 10 Best Books Written by Muppets, which does include Pepe’s literary masterpiece, but is sadly devoid of recipes, unless you count Oscar’s Chunky Fish Ice Cream.
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Search term: stuff related to Chinua Achebe

What they were looking for: Stuff related to Chinua Achebe, though this person needs a crash course on better search terms. Information about...? Facts on...?

What they found: Stuff related to Chinua Achebe, most notably his legal brouhaha with 50 Cent. Perhaps “stuff” isn’t the worst search term after all.
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Stay tuned for more odd search terms, or even better: Subscribe to Book Dirt via RSS or email (see feeds to the right), and thumbs-up that Facebook icon while you’re at it for bonus bizarre Book Dirt bookishness.

Bloggers: Do you check your search term stats? What are some weird ones that led people to your blog?

George W. Bush Spotted on a Pulp Fiction Cover

2012-01-22T14:38:00.000-05:00

Nicolas Cage isn’t the only one to pop up unexpectedly on book covers (both a Serbian textbook and a children’s history book).

During a recent browse through the huge cover archives at the blog Those Sexy Vintage Sleaze Books, I spotted a disturbingly familiar face on the cover of Charles Willeford’s Honey Gal: George W. Bush.

Honey Gal and Dubya. The sheep's in the meadow and the cow's in the corn, no doubt.

I don’t normally recoil when I see W’s visage, but when he (or his doppelganger) is sprawled under a haystack grasping confusedly at a busty barefoot vixen, I get caught off guard.

There’s no record of young Bush doing any modeling for pulp mystery paperback cover artists in his pre-prez days, but I can definitely hear him uttering the expression “honey gal.”

"Mr. Willeford, I'm ready for my close-up." (Photo via mywesttexas.com)

For those who don’t know Charles Willeford’s work, don’t be too put off by the sensational packaging. He’s actually quite readable (though I haven’t read Honey Gal.)

Both The Pick-Up and The Woman Chaser are fine examples of pulp mystery. The latter was made into an odd (though worth watching) little film of the same name with the also-odd-but-worth-watching Patrick Warburton, whom you might remember as TV’s real-life version of The Tick.

Spotted any famous doubles on book jackets? Let me know. Book Dirt is poised to become the repository for celebrity book cover sightings.

8 Famous People You Never Knew Wrote Mysteries

2012-01-18T12:33:00.000-05:00

From strippers to TV stars to U.S. presidents, a collection of unlikely mystery authors that just might surprise you.

Mystery novels sometimes take place in star-studded settings: the murder happens in a Hollywood movie studio or backstage in a Shakespearean theatre. Sometimes the victims themselves are rising starlets, news anchormen or notable politicians. But, in several cases, the famous folks have actually written mysteries themselves, trading the limelight for a backbreaking desk chair (or, at least in quite a few cases, their ghostwriters did).

Abraham Lincoln, not long after his lawyer days.

Abraham Lincoln: "The Trailor Murder Mystery"

Much is made of the fact that Franklin Roosevelt once suggested a mystery novel plot (The President's Mystery, which later became a movie), but less well known is the fact that Abraham Lincoln actually penned a mystery short story himself.

Technically a true crime piece, Lincoln's story is a retelling of a murder case which involved the Trailor brothers, whom he defended at trial in 1841. The piece was originally titled "A Remarkable Case of Arrest for Murder," but is known under its present title since Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine reprinted it in 1952.

Lincoln was a fan of Edgar Allan Poe, and that could well have been his motivation for writing out the Trailor brothers' case, which has a real-life twist ending worthy of a master. The story ran on the front page of The Quincy Whig on April 15, 1846, five years after the trial. (Full text here.)

Lee or Rice: Who did the writing?

Gypsy Rose Lee: The G-String Murders

The first striptease artist to become a household name, Gypsy Rose Lee turned her reknowned burlesque gig into an acting career, then added another slash in 1941 when she became a stripper/actress/writer. The G-String Murders is a wise-cracking (what's now know known as snarky) murder story set in the burlesque milieu, where characters have names like Lolita LaVerne and Biff Brannigan, and strippers are found strangled to death by their own skimpy G-Strings.

Lee casts herself as the novel's detective (a trope used to great effect today by mystery writer Kinky Friedman), though some claim the book was actually penned by Craig Rice. Biographers say that written evidence proves Lee wrote at least a large amount of the book, if not all, with Rice only offering advice. The Feminist Press reprinted the book in 2005.


Maybe in Margaritaville?

Jimmy Buffett: Where Is Joe Merchant?

In between the cheeseburgers and the lost salt shaker searches, the son of a son of a sailor has done more than just pen songs. In fact, Jimmy Buffett has written seven books, including children's stories autobiographical meanderings and a couple of novels.

Where is Joe Merchant? is a mystery novel with a missing rock star, who may or may not be dead, at its center. It's also crammed full of Buffett-style good-natured goofiness, including a one-armed soldier of fortune, a psychic named Desdemona and a villain with eyeballs tattooed on his eyelids.

A spy in the House.

Hugh Laurie: The Gun Seller

Several years before American households knew him as House (though British TV fans already knew him as Bertie Wooster and Blackadder's King George), Hugh Laurie wrote a corker of a mystery novel. The Gun Seller is further proof (along with playing the piano) that Laurie can do just about anything and do it quite well.

Laurie cites Kyril Bonfilglioli as one of his favorite writers, and the influence shows. The Gun Seller is a witty send-up of the spy genre, with sort of a Wodehouse-meets-James-Bond vibe. Though the book first appeared in 1998, a planned sequel, The Paper Soldier, has yet to appear. Release dates of 2007 and 2009 have come and gone, with Laurie himself admitting that the book is "very, very late." Astute fans believe that The Paper Soldier won't be written until House runs its course.

Total Zone = Totally ghostwritten?

Martina Navratilova: Jordan Myles series

Billie Jean King once said of tennis star Martina Navratolova, "She's the greatest singles, doubles and mixed doubles player who's ever lived." Does that kind of talent translate to mystery writing --or even co-writing, as the case may be? Not necessarily. Navratilova's three books, The Total Zone, Breaking Point, and Killer Instinct, have mixed reviews, but the athlete may have had little to do with the actual writing of them.

The three-book series is co-written by Liz Nickles (also author of some lackluster women's fiction). The main character, Jordan Myles, is a tennis champ-turned-sports therapist who becomes embroiled in murder cases, always in a tennis milieu. Some critics have speculated that Navratilova's contribution may be in name only, especially as some glaring tennis-related errors have slipped through. One reader has questioned whether Navratilova even read the final draft of The Total Zone at all.

Smaller than a breadbox.

Steve Allen: The Talk Show Murders (and more)

When Steve Allen died in 2000, a lot of people were surprised to find that the multi-talented actor, composer, and possible inventor of the expression "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" had more than forty books to his credit. In addition to poetry, short stories, grumblings about the ignorance of the masses, and other books, Allen wrote a whopping ten mysteries.

Allen couldn't have picked a more charismatic main character: himself. Like Gypsy Rose Lee, Allen solves fictitious mysteries --along with wife Jayne Meadows-- while otherwise doing things the real-life Steve Allen would do. Murder in Vegas, for example, finds Allen and Meadows doing some sleuthing in between Allen's nightclub shows.

Not brought to you by Smucker's.

Willard Scott: Murder Under Blue Skies (and sequel)

The Today Show's former weatherman, one of the original Ronald McDonalds, and voice of Smuckers Willard Scott is also the co-author of a pair of meteorological mysteries. It's uncertain how much actual writing Scott may have done, but considering that his co-author is writer Bill Crider, he of the five pages-worth of titles on Amazon (and blogging phenomenon), it's a good bet that Scott's contributions were largely related to checking the weather.

Just as he replaced Scott on The Today Show, Al Roker has also picked up the mantle of weatherman-who-also-writes-mysteries. Roker is on his third of the Billy Blessing books, featuring a chef who does talk show cooking segments. Roker's partner in crime is New Orleans mystery writer Dick Lochte.

Is there anything Asimov didn't write?

Isaac Asimov: Murder at the ABA, Black Widowers mysteries, many more

Nothing produced by Asimov should be shocking, really. We're talking about the man the OED credits with inventing the term robotics, after all. Even though he wrote some of the best-known science fiction works in the genre plus a whole slew of non-fiction works on topics from Shakespeare to quasars, (and is even a doll), Asimov still seems to surprise people with his mystery novels.

Asimov wrote a staggering 120 mystery stories, some of which had a sci-fi bent, but more than half featuring the Black Widowers club. The Black Widowers mysteries are masterpieces of puzzle-type mysteries, involving real deduction, brain teasers, and often word play. He also wrote full-length mystery novels, including Murder at the ABA, which includes Asimov himself as a character, and a detective based on none other than Harlan Ellison.

Famous names appear on book jackets outside the mystery genre, too. What are some that you've encountered?

Quotable: McMurtry fails, Harry Dean Stanton rules, and more

2012-01-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

Hans Sloane: "Get yer dadgum crumpet off my First Folio."

Sometimes I come across lines in articles --or even in the comments section-- that strike me as particularly clever, funny or apt. Book Dirt’s new Quotable roundup will regularly collect my favorite one-liners as I trawl around the Internet reading about books and writing.

These are some recent I-wish-I-wrote-that bits from around the web. The articles the quotes are pulled from are all well worth a read.

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“It’s slightly embarrassing to have to admit that the best book you read all year was Anna Karenina. It’s a bit like saying that you’ve been listening to an album called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club by these Beatles kids out of Liverpool and that, yes, you can confidently reveal that they were definitely onto something.” - Mark O’Connell at The Millions

O’Connell’s best-of-the-year wrap-up includes modern fiction too, so don’t worry: he’s not stuck in the classics --just plenty well-balanced.

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“Waiter! I think we’re done here.” - David Daley at Salon.com

Harper’s magazine’s newest book reviewer is none other than Larry McMurtry, but Daley is sure that the writer is no Zadie Smith (Harper’s former critic.) Daley gives a blow-by-blow of McMurtry’s first column that wittily takes apart “the worst new book critic in America.”

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“The way I see it, if your hero can't be played by Harry Dean Stanton, you're on the wrong track.” - User comment at The Guardian

The UK’s Guardian ran a useful feature in which well-known crime writers recommended their own favorite crime writers. Some of the best recommendations --as well as commentary like the quote above from user name Henrylloydmoon-- are found in the comments section.

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“The story ends on page 339 but doesn't stop until page 343.” - K.C. Shaw at Skunk Cat Book Reviews

Prolific writer (and reader) K.C. Shaw reviews books across a dizzying array of genres (YA, mystery, fantasy --ratkeeping?), and with a refreshing degree of straight-to-the-point honesty. From another review: “Brock scratches his beard so much in this one that I wondered if he had a skin condition, or fleas.”

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“Did Sloane realize the peril his collection might be in, if left open to the slings and arrows of outrageous baked goods?” - Beth Dunn at Wonders & Marvels

This absolutely delightful piece on how a buttered muffin may have (seriously) inspired the founding of the British Museum is a perfect blending of humor and history. Beth Dunn has both an enviable writing style and a firm grasp on reality.

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Note: As this is the first installment of Quotable, a few of the articles have been languishing on my desktop for a time. While they’re all still wonderfully relevant, the next batch should be much more fresh.

Give these quotable folks a visit, and let me know what you think. Comments welcome.

Amazing Stop-Motion Bookstore Video: How Many Titles Can You Spot?

2012-01-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

Short film fans know that it’s usually toys that come to life after the shop closes up. At Type bookstore in Toronto, the books on the shelves have lives of their own after dark.

This short video ‘Joy of Books’ was made by art director Sean Ohlenkamp, who teamed with the bookstore to painstakingly create the stop motion effects over four nights.

‘Joy of Books’ has already gone viral (racking up 27,000 views in just one day), and part of the success seems to be its resonance with book lovers.

The Joy of Books - Stop-Motion Bookshop Video

Part of the fun is in spotting book titles. Those who work around books will see titles, cover art, and even recognizable publishing imprints fly by.

These are some of the titles I’ve spotted. If you’re a fan of Where’s Waldo, you can try to check these off.

1493: Uncovering the New World Columbus Created
David Lynch’s Works on Paper
Hoopla: The Art of Unexpected Embroidery
Freedom by Jonathan Franzen
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
I Am Number Four by Pittacus Lore
The Damned UTD by David Peace
The Anthology of Rap
The Veganomicon
Kraken by China Mieville
Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
Moby Dick
Kenneth Silverman’s bio of John Cage

Does this mean we need to add a 26th reason to Why Real Books Are Here to Stay?

Did you spot any additional titles? Add them in the comments section.

Book Dirt is now on Facebook! Look for the 'Like' button in the right-hand sidebar.

CD

Book Review: No Blade of Grass

2012-01-08T17:03:00.000-05:00

There’s more than one way to get to the post in post-apocalyptic fiction. While a third world war/nuclear explosion is one of the most used, there are also plenty of meteorological catastrophes, flu pandemics, technological failures, and even aliens or zombies as plot catalysts for post-apocalyptic scenarios.

John Christopher’s No Blade of Grass (1956) starts with a virus, but not just any virus. Rather than people, this virus kills all grasses quite quickly, mutating faster than scientists can find a counter-virus. That means no rice and no wheat --the basis of most of the world’s food supply. Without grass, cattle have nothing to graze upon, either, so the meat supply is also endangered.

The result is almost the opposite of the standard post-apocalyptic scenario, which usually concerns a decimated population of humans. In this novel, the population is plentiful; it’s the food that’s scarce.

When rumors leak that the British government plans to deal with the problem by swiftly reducing the population (i.e., atom-bombing major city centers), panicked families flee London and literally head for the hills. The ensuing chaos spreads even more rapidly than the grass virus.

The family at the center of No Blade of Grass has insider information via a government-employed friend, so they have a bit of a head start. Their plan is to reach a relative’s farm, which, situated in a deep valley bordered by a treacherous river and steep mountains, will allow them to survive while shutting the gate behind them (also literally.)

John Custance is determined that his family reach the farm so they can grow up in a civilized manner, no matter what the cost along the way. John’s choices are hard ones, and the every-man-for-himself mentality he encounters on the road leads him to making decisions (on a smaller scale) of the type he previously condemned the government for.

When he confronts a band of thieves --men who would have been ordinary working men just weeks ago-- they accuse him outright. If he’s made it this far, one suggests, he must have more than theft to his name. His accusation is so true it stings.

It becomes clear that in his quest to get his family to civilization, he’s losing civility along the way.

No Blade of Grass is frightening because people can be frightening, and when they’re placed in extreme situations, it’s almost impossible to predict exactly what even the most well-meaning person will do.

A bit of a difficulty in reading the book is in the names. Whether it’s because plain names were popular in the ‘50s, or perhaps because Christopher was attempting an Everyfamily, the characters are a nightmare to keep straight: John, Roger, Mary, Anne, David and Jane. It’s cause for rejoicing when a boy named Spooks joins the ensemble.

First published in England as The Death of Grass, the book’s American publishers thought the title “sounded like something out of a gardening catalogue.” It was made into a film in 1970, and BBC Radio 4 broadcast a five-part radio drama in 2009, narrated by Peep Show’s David Mitchell.

If you've read any post-apocalyptic fiction (or seen any films), what was the catalyst for the collapse of civilization? Do you prefer realistic or supernatural events as causes for a fictitious apocalypse?

25 Reasons Real Books Are Here to Stay

2012-01-01T18:56:00.000-05:00

The e-book publishers would have us believe that paper books are being rounded up to cries of “Bring out yer dead” and dumped by the cartload into burning plague pits.

Don’t sound the death knell just yet.

Old books in a Czech castle. (Maurizio Abbate/Creative Commons License)

While printed book sales figures are down (like everything else), the industry still generates billions of dollars per year while e-books are still in the high millions, not to mention the fact that folks are still willing to plonk down $75 for a coffee table art book.

Just check the comments section of any article predicting doom for paper books and you’ll find a near-rabid gang of defenders who say you’ll have to pry their ARDs (Ancient Reading Devices) out of their cold, dead hands.

Why do some of us prefer books made of trees? The easy answer is that you either get it or you don’t, but for those who don’t, here are 25 reasons some of us --even those of us who own Kindles on the side-- will always love our pulp.

1. Reading in the bathtub.

Or by the pool. Or in a light drizzle. E-readers don’t take kindly to getting wet, and the warranty often doesn’t cover damage. A cheap paperback, though, is made all the more sentimental once the two of you have had a bubble bath or two together. (And you won’t have to frantically stick it in a bag of rice afterward.)

Don't try this with a Kindle. (goldsardine/Creative Commons License)

2. Re-selling.

Once you buy a print copy of a book, it’s yours. You can sell or trade it at the used bookstore for more books, auction it off on eBay, make some extra nickels at your next garage sale or swap it for magic beans.

3. Gift-giving.

Books still make lovely gifts (which is why they sell like the dickens at Christmas time), and downloads are hell to try to wrap.

4. Sharing.

Passing on books is one way that readers maintain bonds with their friends and family. Sure, you can still read the same books on your e-readers --and simultaneously-- but the sharing and passing around of the book itself is almost sacred. (Yet another “You get it or you don’t” example.)

5. Collections.

Some people merely read books, others read and collect. The curating of a book collection is as satisfying to some as collecting art, antiques or glass menageries is to others.

6. Book signings.

There’s no way around this one. If you’re an avid fan of a particular writer, the sine quo non of your collection is a copy signed by the author herself. No author wants to inscribe “Never forget the bloaters” across your Nook with a metallic Sharpie. Book signings require books.

7. Reading on airplanes.

You can open a paperback anytime you want, without the flight attendant’s say-so. What’s more, you can ditch a cheap book at the hotel when you’re done with it, freeing it for someone else to read, and lightening your luggage at the same time.

8. Shopping.

Sure, the web makes it easy to browse books, even to peek inside a little. Shopping for print books allows you to read as much as you like, though, and see a book’s size and scope, as well as who else is reading what. Shopping for books doesn’t just mean hitting Barnes & Noble, but also digging through the bargain bins at the warehouses, searching for gems at the antique book shops, or finding boxes of forgotten ephemera at estate sales.

Browsing for books is part of being a reader. (_SiD_/Creative Commons License)

9. Showing off.

It’s something few people want to admit, but sometimes some of us want people to admire our books, and admire us for the books we choose. Displaying a book collection is part of it, but also showing the world what we’re reading when we read in public, revealing our intellect, our beliefs, our romantic nature, etc. as the case may be. Taking an unusual title with you to the coffee shop is also a sure way to spark a conversation if you need company.

10. Hiding things.

If books go completely digital, where will anyone stow away a secret stash? In a de-gutted Kindle? That hollowed-out copy of Alice in Wonderland will be pretty easy for thieves or cops to spot if it’s the only print book in the house.

11. Pop ups and fuzzy parts.

Yes, the technology for interactive e-book displays is amazing, but they still can’t duplicate the surprise of having a pop-up literally leap out of the book. And what about Pat the Bunny? (Yes, there’s an app.) Will the next generation of children think rabbit fur feels like glass?

Classic lit that literally pops off the page. Try this, Nook! (abrinsky/Creative Commons License)

12. Appreciation.

The financial kind. Downloads have pretty much no value once you buy them, except in personal reward. Many books, though, can increase in value over time. First editions, limited editions and specialized titles just may see you through your retirement if you choose wisely.

13. Choice.

With out-of-print books becoming available and digital self-publishing made easy, it would seem as if more books are available than ever. That’s only partly true. Plenty of obscure books will never be digitized. Titles are lost any time there’s an upgrade in technology. Just as some silent film reels were never converted to VHS and many VHS titles were never converted to DVD, publishers make choices about what’s worth converting. Some things don’t make the cut.

14. Art.

Don’t hate books because they’re beautiful. And boy, are they. There are few other consumable items that people want to decorate their homes with. Book-lined walls are gorgeous, as swoon-worthy as The Marriage Plot claims to be.

And, not just as collections, books can also be real stunners as individual specimens. Leather bindings and gilt edges can’t be reproduced digitally. They just can’t. Popular paperbacks count, too. Those ultra-cool pulp covers from the fifties didn’t seem like anything special when they were new. Even today’s mass market paperbacks may be tomorrow’s collectible objets d’art.

Old book as objet d'art. (jsbanks42/Creative Commons License)

15. Sentiment.

The book itself can evoke memories in a way a download can’t. No one stores old PDFs in a hope chest, inscribes them to a child, or returns one in anger to an erstwhile lover. If print books disappear, a lot of flowers will go unpressed.

16. Posterity

Bequeathing a well-curated collection of books to a library or university is a way of passing on one’s love for a subject from beyond the grave. You don’t have to be a rich collector, either. Passing down books to a family member who will love them can be appreciated just as much even if the books are romance novels or comics.

17. Permanence.

Technology can fail. So can companies. Because the technology is so new, your e-reader probably won’t even be compatible with digital books in the future. (Can you play 8 tracks on your CD player? Or Atari games on your X-Box? So long, e-books you already bought.) Your print books, though, will always be readable, come mergers or apocalypse.

18. Security.

No one will mug you for a copy of The Hours. And if someone does steal your backpack with your book in it, you won’t lose your entire collection.

19. Burning.

Not that any of us would participate in such a thing, but in a society that allows free speech, the burning of books is a powerful political statement that has no substitute. (The small upside to organized book burnings is that people often purchase the books solely to destroy in public, thereby supporting the very thing they decry.)

20. Motivation.

Having a stack of unread books by the nightstand is a hard-to-ignore reminder that you need to catch up on your reading. With e-readers, there’s no physical difference no matter how many books you buy.

21. Reference.

When doing academic research, the ability to have more than one book open and glance back and forth between them is crucial. (Even Thomas Jefferson invented a bookstand to do just that.) While tabbing back and forth is useful, it’s no substitute for seeing multiple pages at once.

22. Power.

Books don’t need it. Just the energy in your index finger, which is infinitely renewable.

23. Smell.

You knew it was coming. If there’s one thing that separates the old-school book people from the technophiles it’s this. There’s no faking it, and there’s no explaining what old book smell does and means.

Don't you wish you could scratch and sniff to smell the magic? (Moyann_Brenn/Creative Commons License)

24. Magic.

Opening a book is a powerful action. If you don’t believe it, you’ve never been young and/or you’re not reading the right things. It’s a signifier. It embodies possibility in a way that pushing a button can’t. It’s like the difference between coolly clicking a remote to unlock your car and slowly turning an old skeleton key in a big wooden door. What happens next?

25. Having your books and reading them too.

Owning an e-reader doesn’t mean giving up on books, and plenty of readers --especially the lifelong book addicts-- have both. There’s even evidence that e-readers may ultimately be a boost to the print book industry, as readers try new authors, then want to own hard copies (for the various reasons outlined above.)

Why do you love print books? Maybe there could be 26 reasons. Weigh in, and Book Dirt will update to add any new answers.

10 Most Bizarre Calendars for 2012

2011-12-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

It used to be easy to pick a calendar. Women had tea towels with a giant rooster and the current year printed on them in the kitchen. Men had pin-up girl calendars in their garage.

Today there’s a calendar for not only every sport and hobby, but every fetish and idiosyncracy as well. Publishers have nixed the simple kittens and landscapes --that is, unless the kittens are Persians wearing kilts and the landscapes are made of chocolate Legos.

And the pin-up girls? Well, to quote a song from the musical Gypsy, these days, you gotta have a gimmick.

Here are some of the weirdest, most head-scratchingest and --most of all-- oddly specific calendars on offer for 2012.

1. Zlata the Russian Contortionist

If you're having trouble deciding between an origami calendar or a sexy model calendar, Zlata is the answer to your problems. (Ordering info, though it might be tricky if you're outside Europe.)

2. Goats in Trees

All those plain old goats on the ground calendars should hang their heads in shame. Buy a few extra calendars for unexpected guests that are fans of tree-dwelling goats. (Amazon)

3. Fresh Eggs

It might be hard to contain your excitement as you turn over each new month and wonder: "Will it be one egg or three? Chicken egg or ...Gasp!...duck egg?" (Etsy)

4. Naked Archaeologists

A refreshing change from the overly-posed, flatteringly-lit calendars of well-oiled firemen and pneumatic Hooters waitresses, this 2012 for-charity calendar's naked archaeologists are actually getting some work done. I wonder if the cute one is carbon dating anyone? (Ebay)

5. Moog Pioneers in the Studio

If you know any music or electronics geek --or even better, an electronic music geek-- then buy them this calendar and give them plenty of alone time with it. For those who don't know, the Moog is an analog synthesizer whose devotees are almost as cultish as Mac people. (Bob Moog Foundation)

6. High Times Ultimate Grow Calendar

Ready to take your obsession with playing Hemp Tycoon to the next level? High Times' 2012 calendar has twelve months of tips on cannabis cultivation. It's the best thing you could possibly buy your stoner nephew, besides a case of Cool Ranch Doritos. (Calendars.com)

7. Hungover Owls

Man, these owls are gonna regret it in the morning. Be sure and pre-order the 2013 calendar Owls With Cirrhosis. (Amazon)

8. Mutter Museum

If you only buy one calendar with photos of human anatomical specimens this year, this really should be the one. Founded in the 19th-century by a Philadelphia surgeon with an odd taste in collectibles, the Mutter Museum features displays that might make your flesh crawl. An apt gift for fans of American Horror Story. (Amazon)

9. Ferret Frenzy: Cirque du Ferret

Let's get this straight: this is not just a ferret calendar. No, this is a ferret frenzy. And not just any ferret frenzy, but a circus-themed ferret frenzy. Costumed ferrets juggling! A ferret ringmaster! Ferret clowns and high-wire artistes. Frenzy may be an understatement here, folks. (Amazon)

10. Total White Calendar

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to tire of hue. Expected monthly features: polar bears in a snowstorm, rice with sea salt, and Edgar Winter posing with The White Album. (Calendars.com)

Ordered your 2012 calendar yet? What's the weirdest calendar you've ever seen? Let me know in the comments.

Literary Dolls: Play House with Your Favorite Authors

2011-12-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

There’s an obscure 1990 song I used to like that ends with this spoken line: “Wow, they have Nick Cave dolls now? I waaaant one.”

Well, there may not be a pint-sized version of musician Nick Cave yet, but you can now buy replicas of a bevy of famous authors, thanks to Debbie Ritter of Uneek Doll Designs. Now that I’ve seen her handiwork, all I can say is: “They have Joyce Carol Oates dolls now? I waaant one!”

Make your Joyce Carol Oates doll spend hours writing in longhand. (All photos via Uneek Doll Designs.)

The Joyce Carol Oates doll has sold, but Ritter has plenty of literary dolls to choose from. Considering how tiny these dolls are, the attention to details is wonderful, especially the clothing choices, from Maya Angelou’s golden earrings to Anne Sexton’s “fashionable striped pants with brown sash.”

Some of my favorite literary dolls:

A mutton-chopped Asimov doll in a cozy sweater...


I, Isaac Asimov

Maya Angelou doll with perfect silver streak and bonus fashion jewelry...

She knows why the housed doll sings.

G.K. Chesterton...

I like to call him G.K. Chesterdrawers.

Lest you think that only classic literature is represented, take a gander at these ladies:

Teen icon Judy Blume...


Ready to discuss the symbolism in Superfudge.

A suitably classy Erma Bombeck...


The grass is always greener over the miniature septic tank.

Regency romance queen Barbara Cartland. The doll looks uncannily like her back-of-the-jacket photos, but with less airbrushing...

With a copy of The Rakish Rogue or The Roguish Rake or somesuch.

Not only can you buy dolls of the authors, but also their characters. Dolls from Les Miserables are ready to start a tiny revolution, or you can re-enact your favorite scenes from The Hunchback of Notre Dame with your very own Quasimodo. Particularly hard to resist is this aptly insane Mrs. Rochester.

Set it on fire, then order more!

Ritter takes custom orders, so I’m debating whether or not to commision a redo of the Joyce Carol Oates doll, or perhaps a frail Joan Didion or a dour Patricia Highsmith. Some Wodehouse characters would make me swoon, too. Maybe a newt-fancying Gussie Fink-Nottle?

See all of Uneek Doll Designs author dolls here, and characters here.

What author or character would you like to see in doll form?

Nic Cage Inadvertently Teaches Biology to Serbs

2011-12-07T17:10:00.000-05:00

Bizarre book covers are part of the book biz, as anyone who’s done time working in a used book store can tell you. That’s why I was amused, but certainly not surprised, to see this oddity that popped up on Twitter recently.

Nic Cage on the cover of a Serbian Biology textbook. To quote his character in Raising Arizona: "Well...it ain't Ozzie and Harriet." (Photo via Belgraded)

That’s no Photoshop gag --It’s the cover of a 1998 Biology textbook from Serbia, inexplicably emblazoned with Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter and their stolen baby from Raising Arizona.

How a pair of movie kidnappers ended up on the cover of a Serbian Biology book is up for debate, but Viktor Markovic from Belgraded (a website about Belgrade, Serbia and the Balkans) says the book’s designer told him it was “an honest mistake.”

This isn’t the first time Nicolas Cage has unexpectedly turned up on a book cover, though, as anyone who putters around on the Net reading both goofy celeb news and bookish things can tell you.

Cage as a military pyromaniac in 1814. (Photo via Buzzfeed.)

The actor --or his doppelganger, anyway, also appears on the cover of this history book for young folks, The Story of the Burning of Washington.

This is one happy Redcoat. The Burning of Washington looks like a blast.

Maybe Cage can surpass Isaac Asimov, who (sort of) published in every category of the Dewey Decimal System, by being the first person to have his face emblazoned on a book for every category. He can certainly cross the 500s and the 900s off the list.

Seen any weird book covers lately? Better yet, seen Nic Cage anywhere strange lately?

Book Review: The City, Not Long After

2011-11-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

After a virus decimates the United States, San Francisco becomes a haven for artistic misfits.

Read enough post-apocalyptic fiction, and you’ll start to tire of the tropes. Some of them will even make your memories of plots start to blend together: the lone walkers of the highways, the department store foraging, roadside bandits, the almost-cozy beginnings of new, hopeful communities.

The City, Not Long After by Pat Murphy (1989, reprinted 2006) relies on a few of the expected post-apocalyptic themes, but with some notable --and refreshing-- differences.

The most compelling of those differences is the way the city itself is an art project. The ragtag folks who find themselves still breathing in San Francisco when everyone else is gone aren’t nearly as concerned with commerce or organizing a government as some neighboring cities’ survivors are.

The tattoo artists, graffiti painters, robotics designers and other artists, mechanics and general tinkerers join forces for projects like painting the Golden Gate Bridge blue. Solo projects are all over the city, too.

A glittering suncatcher made of jewelry store diamond necklaces hangs in a window. A church is filled with plants and flowers that sprout from the baptismal font and cover the altar. Plans are made to string wires from the top of a building to the ground, so the wind can play them like an instrument.

Not all of the projects are aesthetic. Just like in the real world of art, some of them are bizarre head-scratchers: polished human skulls juxtaposed with random objects, hundreds of pairs of shoes climbing a staircase, sculptures made of doll heads or museum animal bones.

Among these altered parts of the city rabbits scamper, as do whole gangs of roving monkeys, while buffalo graze in yards and parks. Mechanical creations that seem like metal spiders clank through the streets. Others seem to fly of their own will.

The mechanical creatures are the inventions, and the children, in a way, of a young man who calls himself The Machine, or T.M. for short. His backstory is one of the most touching, and could be a short story in its own right.

After his parents die of the virus, T.M., who is still a boy, doesn’t understand why he is still alive when everyone else around him has died. Considering the fact that his father was a robotics engineer, he comes to the sad and childlike conclusion that he himself must be a machine.

The wild card in the mix is Jax, who doesn’t quite fit in with the artists and inventors, or with anyone. She arrives in San Francisco to find out more about her mother, who had fled the city to raise Jax in the solitude of the country. Jax isn’t exactly an artist, but she’s a bit of a blank canvas, starting a new life that the city will quickly influence.

The bohemian life the group leads in San Francisco is endangered by a military group from Sacramento, who want to revive the United States and feel threatened by the laissez-faire attitudes and disorganization of the artists. Outsiders see them as sinners (another post-apocalyptic trope you might know well.)

It’s clear from the get-go that some sort of confrontation will happen, but it’s the way the battle is waged that is unlike any other post-apocalyptic turf war in fiction. (I won’t give away the main plot points, but balloons filled with jasmine perfume make an appearance as weaponry.)

While there are plenty of novel ideas in The City, Not Long After, the ending is not near as satisfying. In fact, the whole last quarter of the book seems rushed. A gorgeous opportunity for The Machine to realize his humanity is missed completely, and the ubiquitous post-apocalyptic battle between the good guys and the bad guys ultimately settles into cliche.

Murphy’s prose is vivid and often stunningly visual, but occasionally lapses into the florid (“At night the fog embraced the city like a lover.”) Jax’s character can be annoyingly inconsistent, browsing alone among stalls and unknown people at a busy marketplace, but cowering and afraid of strangers once she gets to the city.

For fans of post-collapse fiction, this is a nice one to shake up your reading a bit. It’s no Parable of the Sower or Mara and Dann (to cite some of the most brilliant examples), but its unique city imagery will stick with you a while.

Do you have a favorite post-apocalyptic novel? Does it follow the conventions of the genre or break them?

The Secret Lives of Fortune Cookie Writers

2011-11-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

All about the first professional fortune cookie writer, why a lottery scam investigation led to a fortune cookie, and the banned “dreadful day” fortune.

Click the cookie for your fortune.

There are varying opinions about who invented the fortune cookie as we know it, though everyone seems to agree that it happened in America. (There is a somewhat similar cookie in Japan --not China-- that is older.) My favored contender is David Jung, founder of the Hong Kong Noodle Company in L.A., for the biased reason that Jung seems to have hired the first fortune cookie writer.

His idea for fortune cookies stemmed from his desire to give impatient guests something to do while waiting for their food, so he served them as an appetizer of sorts (which explains their lack of sweetness), with the fortunes serving as both an activity and a conversation starter.

Jung’s first fortune cookie writer was a Presbyterian minister, who wrote condensed versions of Bible verses. He was later approached by Russell Raine, who was selling printing services. Jung told him that he would agree to use his printing if he could also provide the fortunes.

Old-school fortune cookies (called "Tea cakes") from the original Hong Kong Noodle Company.

Raine agreed, remembering that his wife had done some work writing lines for greeting cards. Marie Raines then became the woman that Robert Hendrickson in The Literary Life calls “The Shakespeare of fortune cookies,” crafting thousands of lines in a career that spanned decades.

In a 1970 newspaper interview, Raines said she jotted down ideas as she thought of them, “presumably while doing housework” speculated the somewhat sexist reporter. Many of the fortunes she penned reflect a certain domesticity, though, such as “Orderliness is the quality you most need” and “Are you taking your loved ones too much for granted?”

More recently, the New York Times interviewed David Lau, veep of Wonton Foods, Inc. in New York. Lau performs the tasks you’d normally associate with being the vice-president of a large manufacturing company, but with one unusual addition: he also writes cookie fortunes.

A lottery investigation led to one of Lau’s creations in March 2005, when 110 people came forward with the same sequence of winning numbers for a 100,000 prize. The reason turned out to be the lucky numbers on one of Wonton Foods’ fortune cookies. The sequence “22-28-32-33-39-40” was backed with Lau’s fortune: “All the preparation you’ve done will finally be paying off.”

“We’ve had winners before, but never this many,” said Lau, who admitted that it’s a computer and not himself who picks the numbers. The fortunes, though, are pure Lau. He writes 3 or 4 fortunes a day, influenced by everything from ancient Chinese wisdom (“True gold fears no fire”) to smells on the subway (“Beware of odors from unfamiliar sources.”)

A few years after the interview with Lau, Wonton Foods’ marketing director Bernard Chow had to do a little damage control due to a negative fortune that ended up being pulled from circulation. "Today is a disastrous day,” read the fortune. “If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.”

There’s no word on whether or not Mr. Lau wrote that one in particular, but Chow said that Wonton has over 10,000 fortunes in its catalogue. After several bloggers and other customers complained --including one who received the “disastrous day” fortune cookie at her engagement party-- the “disastrous day” fortune was retired.

While the unfortunate fortune cookie was an oversight, some modern cookies contain mean fortunes on purpose. Think Geek now sells Cookie Misfortune Evil Fortune Cookies, which contain phrases such as “You will die alone and poorly dressed.” Made to resemble traditional fortune cookies, the opportunities for pranks abound.

Evil fortune from Think Geek.

With more and more Chinese restaurants popping up every year, fortune cookie writing could prove to be a profitable, yet largely untapped, freelance market. If you find Twitter too wordy, hone your aphorisms down to about ten words or less and --who knows? You could be the next Marie Raines.

Try your hand at fortune cookie writing. Leave your own clever prediction in ten words or less.

Forget the Edgars: Which mystery author will win a morgue?

2011-11-09T17:09:00.000-05:00

There’s a veritable slew of awards for crime writers of excellence, from the Edgars and the Agathas to the Neros and the Hammetts.

But the latest prize to be offered to a notable mystery writer will require a little more space than a bookshelf or trophy case will allow: It’s a new morgue. (Note: You have to imagine this in Bob Barkers’s voice, i.e. “It’s a newwwwww morgue!”)

Dundee University has come up with a revolutionary way to raise funds for the new addition to its Centre for Anatomy and Human Identification. Ten crime writers are competing in the Million for a Morgue competition for the chance to have the morgue named for them, with fans contributing a pound (or more) to vote.

The mystery mavens competing for the eponym are: Tess Gerritsen, Kathy Reichs, Lee Child, Harlan Coben, Mark Billingham, Jeffrey Deaver, Jeff Lindsay, Stuart MacBride, Peter James and Val McDermid.

Tess Gerritsen is in the lead as of this writing, so fans of Val McDermid’s likeable weirdo Tony Hill or Jeffrey Deaver’s quadriplegic Lincoln Rhyme should think about coughing up some coin.

The method of fundraising isn’t the only revolutionary thing about the project. The BBC reports that the newly built morgue “will adopt a "revolutionary" way of embalming - called the Thiel method - which keeps bodies flexible for longer.”

Which mystery writer are you pulling for? Or what would you like to see named for your favorite writer? (My answers are a. McDermid, and b. Martin Amis BBQ sauce, for no reason other than a larf.)

How to Get $500 Worth of Chronicle Books Without Spending a Dime

2011-11-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

I’m not the hugest fan of blog giveaways. They frequently seem to require that the reader jump through several blazing hoops, register for this and that, spam their Facebook friends, and all for an advance copy of a tepid-looking paperback that will be on the 2/$1.00 table at the used book store faster than you can say “Nicholas Sparks.”

That’s why this one made me sit up and take notice.

Chronicle Books is running the 2011 Happy Haul-idays Giveaway, with one lucky blogger winning $500 worth of books from the publisher’s impressive collection. Don’t have a blog? All you have to do is comment. That’s it. The winning blog, chosen at random by Chronicle books, will get to award one commenter the same haul of books.

To top it off, the winning blog will also get to award $500 worth of books to a charity, with the charity choosing their own books from the Chronicle catalog. (I’m choosing Prospect Elementary School in Tennessee. The librarian there frequently buys books at the used bookstore where I work to supplement a library with extreme need. She says their shelves are about 90% empty.)

All I have to do is list the books I would spend $500 on, and I’m a fan of book lists. (See the sidebar to the right for some of my most popular lists.)

These are the books I would choose if I win, and I’ve chosen them as a book lover. I have access to plenty of fiction and paperbacks, so the ones I’m drawn to are flat-out lovely books that speak to my interests and would be harder to find or out of my budget.

If you like them too, leave a comment, and if I win, you have a chance to win all the books I’ve chosen.

Bird's Eye Views by John W. Reps and Atlas of Rare City Maps by Melville C. Branch

What is it about old maps? It may be that book collectors are just drawn to anything beautiful on old paper. Or maybe, for me, it's tied in with my love for this Etsy craftsman, who does gorgeously irreverent things with vintage maps. Almost 200 maps total with these two volumes. ($70 each)

Once Upon a Time by Amy Weinstein

Old nursery rhymes and fairy tales represent some of the most compelling forms of nostalgia in existence. (And some of the most gruesome. See some of the most disturbing here.) This big, fat book is full of them, plus 325 Victorian illustrations --some with moving parts. ($65)

Ghostly Ruins by Harry Skrdla

Ruined buildings have an innate beauty as well as a sadness. Some of the most compelling examples are gathered here in 250 photographs, juxtaposing amusement parks, homes and more in their heyday with photos of them in decay. ($30)

Art Deco Bookbindings by Yves Peyre and H. George Fletcher

What's almost as good as owning lots of beautiful books? Pictures of beautiful books. This book features the work of The Work of Pierre Legrain and Rose Adler, whose Art Deco bindings in exotic materials bound custom editions of works by Colette, Paul Verlaine, Andre Gide and others. ($35)

The Ocean at Home: An Illustrated History of the Aquarium by Bernd Brunner

The Victorians, with their mania for collecting natural history, popularized the aquarium, and this hardcover book documents the obsession --from ornate versions for the home to the first public aquaria. ($25)

Bunker Archaeology by Paul Virilio and Extreme Architecture by Ruth Slavid

Both of these architecture books tie in to my interest in things post-apocalyptic. The first, a collection of photos of abandoned German bunkers in France, takes a look at war and destruction. The second is more hopeful, showing how humans can survive well in the most challenging landscapes (deserts, underwater, outer space). ($40 each)

Fifty Nests and the Birds That Built Them by Sharon Beals

This title makes me squeal with delight. I love the randomness combined with design that comes together in the making of a nest. How great is it that the artists (the birds) are featured along with their own works? ($30)

The Book As Art: Artists' Books from the National Museum of Women in the Arts by Krystyna Wasserman with essays by Johanna Drucker and Audrey Niffenegger

Collected from more than 800 books in the museum's collection, this heavily-illustrated book focuses on 100 of the most unique handmade book specimens, many of them multi-media, by an array of visual artists. ($35)

Pictorial Webster's: A Visual Dictionary of Curiosities by John M. Carrera

Culled from old dictionaries, more than 1,500 Victorian engravings are contained in this book's pages. That's the equivalent of a whole pile of Dover clip art books. "From Acorns to Zebras, Bell Jars to Velocipedes" says Chronicle. ($35)

Cartes Postales

I don't think it's cheating to include a book that's essentially blank, especially when it's this pretty, and it gives you a place to stash your post cards, therein creating an heirloom unique to you. ($19)

Chronicle Books Tote Bag designed by Julia Rothman

Because we have $3 left to spend, and you have to carry your books in something.

Like these books? Any in particular? Each commenter is eligible to win them too, if Chronicle Books picks me. Every book! Quite a haul.

The 15 Most Disturbing Nursery Rhymes You've Never Heard

2011-10-30T14:44:00.000-04:00

Nursery rhymes aren’t all pudding and pie. Look closely and you’ll start to notice the starving dogs, nose-severing blackbirds, women held captive in pumpkin shells, and tails lopped off with carving knives. Those horrific images are just the remnants, though.

Mother Goose rhymes have been fairly sanitized over the years, and earlier versions were chock-full of atrocities. The farther back one looks, the more gruesome the rhymes become. Some even believe that the seemingly harmless “Eeny, meeny, miny, mo” counting rhymes derive from ancient methods of choosing human sacrifices (though the source material is sketchy.)

Domestic violence is one of the more common themes in old nursery rhymes, with wives and daughters bearing the brunt of the abuse, ranging from beating with a stick to flat-out murder. The early Victorians no doubt thought these rhymes were instructive to their daughters, who would learn to be obedient, dutiful wives.

Women weren’t the only ones to suffer in verse. Plenty of men are burnt, hacked or otherwise disposed of, as are children of any gender and a bevy of pets and wildlife.

Nursery rhyme reform was the rallying cause of a few upstanding gentlemen of the 1950s, including Geoffrey Handley-Taylor, who surveyed 200 popular rhymes and listed in detail what sorts of unsavoriness they contained (much as parents groups today decry animated films or video game content).

Handley-Taylor’s list of unsavory elements in the rhymes he read is a whole page long, and includes these bothersome incidents:

8 allusions to murder (unclassified)
2 cases of choking to death
1 case of cutting a person in half
1 case of death by devouring
15 allusions to maimed human beings or animals
23 cases of physical violence (unclassified)

Full list here

Here are 15 examples of nursery rhymes that don’t make the cut in childrens books today. Keep them handy if you have any children you need to keep awake.

There was a Man so Wise,
He jumpt into
A Bramble Bush,
And scratcht out both his Eyes.
And when he saw
His Eyes were out,
And reason to Complain,
He jumpt into a Quickset Hedge,
And scratcht them in again.

Originally from Tommy Thumb’s Pretty Song Book, 1744

Old father Long-Legs
Can’t say his prayers:
Take him by the left leg,
And throw him down the stairs.
And when he’s at the bottom,
Before he long has lain,
Take him by the right leg,
And throw him up again.

Originally from Nancy Cock’s Pretty Song Book for all little Misses and Masters, 1780

There was an old woman,
Her name it was Peg;
Her head was of wood and
She wore a cork leg.
The neighbours all pitch’d
Her into the water,
Her leg was drowned first,
And her head followed after.

From James Halliwell Phillips Nursery Rhymes, 1842

THERE was a lady all skin and bone;
Sure such a lady was never known :
It happen'd upon a certain day,
This lady went to church to pray.

When she came to the church stile,
There she did rest a little while ;
When she came to the churchyard,
There the bells so loud she heard.

When she came to the church door,
She stopt to rest a little more ;
When she came the church within,
The parson pray'd 'gainst pride and sin.

On looking up, on looking down,
She saw a dead man on the ground ;
And from his nose unto his chin,
The worms crawl'd out, the worms crawl'd in.

Then she unto the parson said,
Shall I be so when I am dead :
O yes ! O yes, the parson said,
You will be so when you are dead.

Here the lady screams.*

*The person reciting the rhyme is meant to scream bloody murder at the end of the verse.

Originally from Gammer Gurton’s Garland, 1784 (Full text online)

----

There was a man, he went mad,
He jumped into a paper bag;

The paper bag was too narrow,
He jumped into a wheelbarrow;

The wheelbarrow took on fire,
He jumped into a cow byre;

The cow byre was too nasty;
He jumped into an apple pasty;

The apple pasty was too sweet,
He jumped into Chester-le-Street;

Chester-le-Street was full of stones,
He fell down and broke his bones.

From an early Mother Goose

----

I charge my daughters every one
To keep good house while I am gone,
You and you and especially you,
Or else I'll beat you black and blue.

From an early Mother Goose

----

Here comes a candle to light you to bed,
Here comes a chopper to chop off your head.

From an early Mother Goose

Die, pussy, die,
Shut your little eye:
When you wake,
Find a cake,
Die, pussy, die.

From an early Mother Goose (Actually less threatening than it sounds, this is a rhyme to be recited while stopping a swing.)

----

Baby, baby, naughty baby,
Hush, you squalling thing, I say.
Peace this moment, peace, or maybe
Bonaparte will pass this way.

Baby, baby, he's a giant,
Tall and black as Rouen steeple,
And he breakfasts, dines, rely on't,
Every day on naughty people.

Baby, baby, if he hears you
As he gallops past the house,
Limb from limb at once he'll tear you,
Just as pussy tears a mouse.

And he'll beat you, beat you, beat you,
And he'll beat you into pap,
And he'll eat you, eat you, eat you,
Every morsel snap, snap, snap.

From an early Mother Goose lullaby

----

Here come I,
Little David Doubt;
If you don't give me money,
I'll sweep you all out.

Money I want,
And money I crave;
If you don't give me money,
I'll sweep you all to the grave!

From an early Mother Goose’s Almanack

----

John Ball shot them all;
John Scott made the shot,
But John Ball shot them all.

From James Halliwell Phillips Nursery Rhymes, 1842 (Full text of the poem, which continues on in "The House That Jack Built" style)

----

Little General Monk
Sat upon a trunk
Eating a crust of bread;
There fell a hot coal
And burnt into his clothes a hole,
Now little General Monk is dead.
Keep always from the fire,
If it catch your attire
You too, like General Monk, will be dead.

From Rhymes for the Nursery, 1824

----

I married a wife on Sunday,
She began to scold on Monday,
Bad was she on Tuesday,
Middling was she on Wednesday,
Worse she was on Thursday,
Dead was she on Friday,
Glad was I on Saturday night,
To bury my wife on Sunday.

From Tom Tit’s Song Book, 1790

----

A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds

And when the weeds begin to grow
It's like a garden full of snow

And when the snow begins to fall
It's like a bird upon the wall

And when the bird away does fly
It's like an eagle in the sky

And when the sky begins to roar
It's like a lion at the door

And when the door begins to crack
It's like a stick across your back

And when your back begins to smart
It's like a penknife in your heart

And when your heart begins to bleed
You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

Originally from Gammer Gurton’s Garland, 1784

---

A long tail’d pig, or a short tail’d pig,
Or a pig without any tail,
A sow-pig, or a boar-pig,
Or a pig with a curling tail.

Take hold of his tail,
And eat off his head,
And then you will be sure
The pig-hog is dead.

Originally the street cry of the pig-pie man, reproduced in several early nursery rhyme books.

----

What's the grimmest nursery rhyme or story you recall? Give me your creepiest verse in the comments section.

6 Scary Books for Halloween Gift-Giving: A New Tradition Everyone Should Adopt

2011-10-23T11:58:00.001-04:00

Last October, writer Neil Gaiman proposed a brilliant new way to celebrate Halloween. Noting on his blog that there ought to be more traditions that involve the giving of books, Gaiman suggested All Hallow’s Read:

I propose that, on Hallowe'en or during the week of Hallowe'en, we give each other scary books. Give children scary books they'll like and can handle. Give adults scary books they'll enjoy.

And to that, I (and I imagine most bookish types) say Bravo.

Giving scary books to friends and family doesn’t have to mean giving gory slash-’em-up books. (If you and your friends like gory slash-’em-up books, though, have at it.) These are six books I personally give the Book Dirt seal of approval. They’re moody, broody, atmospheric --and best of all: scary.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson

You probably know Jackson for her short story “The Lottery,” a favorite of the public school system and a masterful example of pre-Shyamalan twist endings. What you might not know is that Jackson was also a master of the American Gothic novel. More psychologically spooky than supernatural, We Have Always Lived in the Castle is domestic creepiness at its best and most beautiful, complete with poisoned sugarbowls, books nailed to trees and villagers of the torch and rake-bearing variety. You’ll be riveted as this story unspools.

The Bottoms by Joe R. Lansdale

Joe R. Lansdale is an odd bird. The author of tons and tons of books and stories, he penned the novella that the Bruce Campbell movie Bubba Ho-Tep was based on, as well as the Texas-based, street noir Hap and Leonard mysteries (with titles like Bad Chili). Lansdale turned literary with The Bottoms (Random House called it “a thriller with echoes of William Faulkner and Harper Lee"), a depression-era novel that’s alternately folksy and gruesome. It’s hard to say what’s scarier in The Bottoms: the murders or the Southern-style racism? All tie together in a disturbingly effective way.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

The key to reading this classic horror story is to forget everything you know about it. Forget that you saw the Looney Tunes spoof or League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. In other words, forget that you know man and monster are one and the same. The concept is so ingrained in our culture that we use Jekyll & Hyde as an adjective (especially in front of “personality.”) The Victorians who first read Stevenson, though, did so without knowing the two were one. It was a shocker of an ending of Fight Club proportions. Read it with that in mind (or not in mind, really), and you’ll understand what thrilled your ancestors so much.

A Judgement in Stone by Ruth Rendell

“Eunice Parchman killed the Coverdale family because she could not read or write.” That’s the first line of A Judgement in Stone, and it’s one of the best mystery openers I’ve ever encountered. Not only because it demands that you keep reading, but it lays out everything right from the get-go. The rest of the novel is a whydunnit, and knowing what’s in store for the Coverdales drives rather than hinders the telling.

The House With a Clock In Its Walls by John Bellairs

Oh, to be ten again and read Bellairs for the first time! There aren’t nearly enough gothic horror novels for pre-teens (what there is gets squeezed off the shelf by sparkly vampires and gossipy girls), and the genre may have peaked in 1973 with Bellairs smart, spooky series. I remember being drawn in by the Edward Gorey line drawings and nifty proper names like Barnavelt and Zebedee. If you know a kid who really loves reading, make this a gift, or if you don’t mind reading young adult fiction yourself, prepare to be chillingly charmed.

Ghost Stories of M.R. James

You can’t have Halloween without some ghosts, and if anyone perfected the ghost story, it was M.R. James. Also known for his work as an antiquary (with Medieval documents, no less), James moved the ghost story out of the dusty Victorian era and into the modern world. James’ ghosts aren’t so much supernatural as they are a part of everyday existence, often summoned through an ancient tome or in a library, which may explain his appeal to bookworm types. Give ‘Oh, Whistle and I’ll Come to You, My Lad’ a try, and you’ll never see an unmade bed in the same way again.

Do you plan on giving books for Halloween? What's the scariest book you've ever read? Post your spookiest selections in the comments section.

From Nigeria to Nantucket: A Limerick Project of Epic Proportions

2011-10-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

After my recent post about the legal kerfuffle between Chinua Achebe and rapper 50 Cent, a friend of mine reminded me that I once wrote a limerick about Achebe. I had to look it up to remember the words:

Achebe, Chinua

If reading has started to weary ya

And you'd like to read lit from Nigeria,
You'd do well to start
With Things Fall Apart.
Achebe should fit your criteria.

Chinua Achebe (ah-CHAY-bay, b. 1930) also wrote the novels No Longer at Ease and Arrow of God.

I’d love to be able to claim that I just sit around dashing off limericks about African novelists and stay up nights finding reasons to rhyme Nigeria and criteria (the second half is partly true), but I actually had a reason. The reason, though, might be even more unusual.

I created it as an entry into a dictionary made up completely of limericks. It’s not my project, but the brainchild of one Chris J. Strolin, the madman and genius behind the OEDILF, or the Omniscent English Dictionary in Limerick Form. (Originally the project was called the Oxford English Dictionary in Limerick Form, but the actual OED folks weren’t keen on it.)

Strolin’s goal is to ultimately define every word in the English language (and that includes the notable proper names often found in dictionaries, like Achebe above) with its own limerick. The project began in 2004, and is now up to the middle of the letter ‘E’ with around 75,000 limericks submitted.

The estimated completion date is 2037, though it’s acknowledged that with the changing language, the result will be merely a first edition of a work that will remain in progress.

The OEDILF only opens up small letter ranges of the dictionary at a time, mainly in order to keep writers from working ahead and claiming all the “good” words.

Anyone can contribute limericks to the OEDILF. Just browse through the list of open words (words not yet defined) and craft a limerick that in some way defines the word.

It’s that simple --sort of. Limericks don’t actually appear as part of the dictionary (though they are in the database and can be viewed) until they go through a workshopping process that is by turns exhilarating and maddening. The folks at the OEDILF know their stuff, and they’ll catch a forced meter, a wonky definition or an incorrect fact from miles away.

Even the best writers might have to revise a limerick a few times before it passes muster. It’s actually a fantastic way to hone writing and editing skills.

After you’ve had a certain number of limericks approved, you too can join in on the workshopping of others’ limericks.

The limericks in the OEDILF range from funny to downright sublime, and I highly recommend browsing even if you don’t want to contribute.

Some of my favorite entries from others:

ecru by Chris Doyle

To the Senate comes Brutus one day
In a toga that's yellowish-gray.
It's so out there that Caesar,
A notable teaser,
Can't help but say, "Ecru, Brute?"

disclaimer by Jeff Foster

A written disclaimer makes clear,
"We can't be responsible here."*
*The above definition,
By author's admission,
Was reached after 12 pints of beer.

catarrhally by Janet McConnaughey

She gazed at me hotly, boudoirally,
Bosom heaving and eyes glowing starrily.
In spite of my virus
She made me desirous.
"Led's ged barried," I offered, catarrhally.

I spend time on the OEDILF in bursts, leaving off to pursue other projects, then becoming re-addicted. My first approved limerick was this one, for the word cheesesteak:

cheesesteak

Said a passionate eater from Philly
Who believed haute cuisine was just silly,
"If your cheesesteak is twee
And it's made with French brie,
Though it's called one, it isn't one, really."

My favorite limericks to write were humorous ones that still gave enough context to define the word. I’m a sucker for a lame joke, and I went to town:

chaw

A yokel was heard to say "Aw!
I got somethin' stuck in my jaw!
But—wait now—by cracky!
It's just my tobacky.
I fergot I was chewin' my chaw!"

Or:

champagne flute

When at parties, I've seen the elite
Use the champagne-from-slipper conceit.
But when drinking my Brut
From a stemmed, tapered flute,
Then I'm certain it won't taste of feet.

Or even:

chicken Kiev

For chicken Kiev that's divine,
Take a breast and then pound it 'til fine.
Roll with butter, then bake,
And that's how you make —
No, a chicken breast, moron, not mine!

Once I got the hang of the form, I ventured into more academic limericks, like the Achebe piece. One of my happiest achivements in life may have been the day a limerick I wrote to include the longest word in the works of Shakespeare was finally approved by the workshop editors. It took months of revisions (getting the meter right involved the tearing out of hair), but I finally wrested this feat of limerick-crafting from my keyboard, with help from one of the limerick luminaries.

Costard (with Chris Doyle)

As a clown, Costard often amuses,
But in Love's Labour's Lost when he uses
"Honorificabilitud-
initatibus," will a dude,
Upon hearing it, think the fool boozes?

(on-uh-RIF-uh-kuh-BIL-uh-tood-in-uh-TAT-uh-bus)

If you'd like to join the madness, register for the OEDILF. It's not for everyone, but you might be just the kind of brilliant oddball they need.

The OEDILF is browsable, so you can search the database for words beginning with A-El. If you find a fun word, post it here (not the whole limerick, unless you also cite the author). Do you dare join? If so, I'll see you around!

Jeffery Eugenides Looms Over Times Square; Sells Books to Women

2011-10-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

Wall Street Journal

You don’t often see authors’ faces on billboards, so even Jeffrey Eugenides was surprised when Farrar, Straus and Giroux decided to hype his new book The Marriage Plot with a Times Square ad. It’s a refreshing sight, but it’s also a throwback to a time when we treated writers a little more like we ought to --like rock stars.

It's not like 1971 anymore, when Norman Mailer and Gore Vidal got into a literal fistfight on the Dick Cavett show. How long has it been since two writers faced off on a talk show? When Jonathan Franzen appeared on the cover of Time last year, he was the first writer in ten years to do so. So, more of this, I say. Our writers ought to be our idols.

The Eugenides billboard brings up another point, though. Take a good look at how the billboard is designed, and at how the book appears to be marketing itself. From the wedding ring on the cover to the frilly font and the posing of Eugenides himself as a sex god, The Marriage Plot (note the title, too --sounds madcap) is clearly aimed at women.

Wedding ring covers: pretty much an indicator of marketing to women.

Just to make it extra-clear that the billboard is more yin than yang, I did a Google search to see what sorts of things are described as “swoon-worthy.”

Swoon-worthy things, according to Google:

Zac Efron shirtless
the cast of Twilight
wine and sunsets
lace-trimmed outfits
cakes
wedding dresses
lavender sweatpants
a pistachio-colored handbag
boyfriends doing the cooking

Is it me, or do those seem a tad on the girls’ team?

I bring all this up because a few female authors of late have taken umbrage at the packaging of their books, complaining that the marketing strategy is too female, and that the publishers are selling the authors short. Most recently Polly Courtney dropped her publisher because of cover art she claimed made her novels seem like chick-lit.

The cover that was the last straw for Polly Courtney.

If anything makes Polly Courtney’s novels seem like chick-lit, it might actually be the novels themselves. While they may not have the fashion designer namedropping, they do have amnesiac women torn between two men or feisty women working in a man’s world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these storylines (this isn’t a criticism of Coutney’s work or genre), but they do seem aimed at women. Chick-lit review sites concur that her book is par for the course with what they read and review.

Courtney isn’t a literary writer or a particularly ground-breaking one. Eugenides actually is (That’s his Pulitzer talking, not me.) It’s a distinction worth noting because it raises the question: Why isn’t Eugenides upset that his books are being marketed toward women? He certainly could argue that the publisher is narrowing his potential fan base.

The answer, though I can’t speak for Eugenides himself, is probably due to the fact that women make up a whopping 80% of the fiction market. With that in mind, why wouldn’t someone like Courtney --whose books are not going to close any gender gap in fiction reading by plot alone-- want to market to the people who are actually doing the buying and reading of books like hers?

Nicholas Sparks is another example of a man who seems pretty pleased to have his books marketed to women (his covers tend to have moody sunsets and couples-in-a-clinch). His estimated net worth is a cool $30 million. (His latest movie deal stars Zac Efron. Whether or not he’s shirtless will no doubt determine the swoon-worthiness.)

Nicholas Sparks: Marketing to the 80%.

Best of luck to Polly Courtney, but if she wants to succeed on a level like Sparks or Eugenides, she might do well to understand who her audience is and embrace them instead of looking down on them. She might also want to understand that book packaging has less to do with the gender of the author and everything to do with sales.

Do you think publishers are wrong to determine a book’s audience, or should the author have the final say? And which author would you like to see looming over you from a billboard? Better yet --if you were on the billboard yourself, which adjective would you want emblazoned across it?

10 Beatnik Spoofs for Talk Like a Beat Day

2011-10-07T10:01:00.000-04:00

Unless you’re from Squaresville, you know today is Talk Like a Beat Day. Invented by the UK’s Guardian, the celebration of Beat culture requires folks to spread awareness about the literary movement by speaking in Beat-ese.

The previous article gave some background about the Beats and their writing, but it also contained a clip from The Beverly Hillbillies in which Jethro becomes a Beatnik. (I semi-jokingly referred to it as the best short-version explanation of Beat philosophy ever.)

A commenter noted the fact that for most of us who weren’t around in the ‘50s and early ‘60s, our first exposure to Beat culture came from TV and movie characters who by the late ‘60s were spoofing the movement.

Beatniks may have begun in the literary world, but the squawk box made them stock characters, distilling them down to black-clad spewers of bad poetry and slang buzzwords.

The best way to celebrate Talk Like a Beat Day --besides talking like a Beat-- is to read some Ginsberg. Otherwise, for a crash course on the lingo, and a look at how television and film appropriate literary culture, these are some of the best, funniest and most bizarre examples.

1) The Munsters Go Beat

Herman Munster already wears the dark uniform of the beatniks, so perhaps it’s no surprise that he got caught up in the movement. What is a surprise is how well he can spout Beat poetry off the cuff. “Ibbity bibbity canal boat” may be a spoof, but it’s as good as Gregory Corso’s “Hark the hot dog soda olive grape.”

2) David Lynch Cues the Hipster

On the Air was a short-lived post-Twin Peaks sitcom directed by David Lynch with weird and hilarious results. Most of the public was baffled, but it really was the work of a lunatic genius. Start at :55 with “Cue the hipster” for beat-style interpretive dance as only Lynch can provide.

3) Pee Wee’s Cool Cat, Dirty Dog and Chicky Baby

Kids may not have picked up the reference to Beat culture when they tuned in to Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Saturday mornings, but they probably enjoyed the rhymes. Older viewers probably appreciated the Puppetland Band more for the spoof --and for Dirty Dog’s ridiculously doped-out, bloodshot eyes.

4) Beatnik Prototype: Maynard G. Krebs

Before he was Gilligan, Bob Denver was the prototypical beatnik on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. Most people who watched from 1959-1963 remember Maynard jumping in fear whenever he heard the word “work.” (The words “marriage” and “police” had similar effects.)

5) Shaggy as Animated Beatnik

Cartoon legend has it that Scooby-Doo’s Shaggy was directly inspired by Maynard G. Krebs, and some say Fred was meant to be a Dobie counterpart as well. Warner Brothers distilled the idea of a beatnik even further by stripping him of his artistic and cultural awareness and leaving only the slacker.

6) Kerouac

Oops. That’s not a spoof. Or is it?

7) John Waters’ Beats: Zadora and Ocasek

Embedding is disabled, but you can watch a video clip here.

You gotta love the cameos by rocker Ric Ocasek and (actress?) Pia Zadora in the original Hairspray. The spoof is not only spot-on, but the reactions of the more mainstream kids aren’t just funny: they reveal the beatnik as an outsider and maligned oddball.

8) Flander’s Parents

The SImpsons' Ned Flanders may be the ultimate upright citizen, but his parents were --Gasp!-- bongo-beating hipsters.

9) The Hudsucker Beatnik

Steve Buscemi played the role of a beatnik bartender in The Coen Brothers’ Hudsucker Proxy, and if you only watch one clip to get an idea of how to sound like a Beat, make it this one. Buscemi sells it.

10) Dennis Hopper Goes to Hooterville

Tons of popular shows of the ‘60s and beyond had a beatnik episode (The Beverly Hillbillies and The Munsters, as already mentioned, but also shows like Peter Gunn, and much later, Laverne and Shirley featured Art Garfunkel as a Beat performance artist.) Petticoat Junction had the distinction of casting a fresh-faced Dennis Hopper, five years before Easy Rider. (The episode also featured Adam West.)

Spread the word about Talk Like a Beat Day, and let me know in the comments if you participate or if you know of anyone who does.

Literature's Greatest Cocktails: 6 Inventive Libations

2011-10-02T17:17:00.000-04:00

Writers have a long and complicated history with alcohol (see John Cheever or F. Scott Fitzgerald for further info), which may be why, when faced with the task of writing about alcoholic beverages, they pull out all the creative stops.

Photo: Cocktails 365

Inventing a cocktail allows an author to be as hyperbolic as he or she would like to be when describing the taste and the effects. Read on for the best of the bunch. It's 5 o'clock somewhere.

Moloko Plus from A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

Alex and his droogie friends in A Clockwork Orange spend their slack time in the Korova milk bar drinking Moloko, or "milk-plus" --the "plus" being any one of a selection of near-futuristic designer drugs. Moloko may not contain actual alcohol, but the added vellocet, synthemesc or drencrom make Alex feel "knifey." Anything that leads to stomping hobos, putting the smackdown to random academics and leaving a newsstand covered in blood is apt to be pretty strong (and a long way from making risque jokes at the office party).

The Glasgow Kiss from The Cruise Connection by Peter Kerr

You wouldn't want to eat the food on mystery writer Peter Kerr's fictitious cruise ship The Ostentania (a severed finger is found in the quiche lorraine), but the drinks are plenty strong. So strong, in fact, that Kerr reports that a reader who didn't realize it was a joke imbibed a real-life Glasgow Kiss, landing him in the hospital. The ingredients for the drink (named for the Scottish slang for a headbutt): Scotch whisky, Drambuie, Southern Comfort, brandy, gin, vodka, tequila, Pernod, sweet sherry, port, cherry brandy, Archer's peach liqueur, Carlsberg Special, Coke, Buckfast Tonic Wine and Irn-Bru.

The cocktail is pre-mixed in a stainless steel bucket, then dispensed into glasses via hypodermic syringe just before serving. (Does "Do not try this at home" even need to be said?) [Note: If, like many outside the UK, you're unfamiliar with Irn-Bru, get a load of their TV ads. Some of the best/funniest in the biz.]

The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Drinking what is reported to be the most potent drink in the Universe, courtesy of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "is like having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick." Several adventurous mixologists have supposedly concocted real-life versions, but Adams says no way. "Unfortunately there are a number of environmental and weapons treaties and laws of physics which prevent one being mixed on Earth," he said in an interview. (Not to mention the fact that peach schnapps and blue curacao are no substitute for Arcturan mega-gin and Fallian marsh gas bubbles.)

The Electrick Floorbanger from Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett

'Got no head for his drink,’ said Eyebrow. ‘Typical of the young bucks. Wants to play the big troll, comes in here, orders an Electrick Floorbanger, doesn’t know how to handle it.'

Suffice it to say that a drink that can knock out a troll is not one for the kiddies. Pratchett doesn't tell us precisely what goes into the makeup of an Electrick Floorbanger, but the trolls in his Disc World series tend to drink liquefied metals. Troll beer is ammonium sulfide dissolved in alcohol, so it stands to reason that the cocktail is, at the very least, like drinking a battery. Maybe with orange juice.

The Vesper Martini from Casino Royale by Ian Fleming

James Bond is pretty much synonymous with martinis, and the movies have ensured that we know exactly how he likes them. The first drink Bond orders in print, though, is an Americano. In Casino Royale, he deviates again from the martini recipe we know so well, ordering a concoction he says is his own invention: Gordon's, vodka and Kina Lillet (though his instructions are considerable more exacting.) "I'm going to patent it when I can think of a good name," he says, later naming it for love interest Vesper Lynd.

As this drink is actually re-constructable, try one, as Bond insisted, "in a deep champagne goblet," with a "large thin slice of lemon peel." You'll first have to shake the daylights out of it, but that's a paraphrase.

The May Queen from Uncle Fred in the Springtime by P.G. Wodehouse

If there were a literary prize for excellence in fiction featuring cocktails, Wodehouse would win the Lifetime Achievement trophy. Besides creating the iconic ne'er-do-well tippler Bertie Wooster (who once announced he would name his first child "Green Swizzle Wooster" in admiration of a cocktail he was particularly enjoying), Wodehouse also gave us a list of the 6 types of hangovers: The Broken Compass, the Sewing Machine, the Comet, the Atomic, the Cement Mixer and the Gremlin Boogie.

His most genius contribution to the fictional cocktail world, though, comes in the novel Uncle Fred in the Springtime, in the form of a concoction which has to be abbreviated as "The May Queen." The full name of the cocktail, as described by Lord Ickenham, is "To-morrow'll be of all the year the maddest, merriest day, for I'm to be Queen of the May, mother, I'm to be Queen of the May."

It consists, Ickenham says, of "any good dry champagne, to which is added liqueur brandy, armagnac, kümmel, yellow liqueur, and old stout, to taste." He adds that it's pretty much guaranteed to alleviate the deepest despondency.

Got a literary drinking anecdote? Leave it in the comments section. Unless it's the one about a drunken Tennessee Williams swallowing the lid to an aspirin bottle and subsequently expiring. Heard it.

Thomas Jefferson’s Book Stand Was an Early Version of Computer Tabs

2011-09-28T12:19:00.000-04:00

In the middle of a writing project --especially one that involves research-- I’ll sometimes find that I have what seems like a billion tabs opened on my laptop. The ability to move quickly back and forth between different reference items is crucial to the process.

Thomas Jefferson must have used my methods. Among his inventions (which include a secret decoder ring of sorts, a travel version of a printing press and a macaroni-making machine) is a book stand, designed to hold five opened books simultaneously.

The stand also rotates, and when not in use it all slides together into a simple wooden box. It’s hard not to imagine Jefferson working on a little something --the Declaration of Independence, say-- while flipping between John Locke and Thomas Paine, maybe giggling at some Rabelais (the thinking man’s Mad magazine) when he needed a breather.

Jefferson never received a patent for any of his inventions (Lincoln is the only president with that credential), but it’s clear that the book stand is the type of thing that can only be designed by someone who cares about their reading and writing and would do anything to streamline them.

Monticello offers a reproduction of the Jefferson book stand (pictured above), or you can have one custom made from this seller on Etsy for about half the price.

If you’re looking for the macaroni machine, though, you’re on your own.

How do you organize your reference materials? Multiple tabs? Index cards? Whirling Jeffersonian book stand? Weigh in via the comments section.

The 10 Best Books Written by Muppets

2011-09-25T14:54:00.000-04:00

Jim Henson’s birthday was yesterday, which turned anyone with a soul’s thoughts all Muppety. While most Muppet achievements were confined to television sets and movie screens, the cast of characters also made an impact on the book world.

A gaggle of Muppet characters have ostensibly put paw, flipper or hoof to keyboard with publishing success. (Did the Muppets really write these books themselves? Well, if I’m supposed to believe that Pamela Anderson wrote a novel and Bristol Palin had no help with her memoir, then I say: Yes, absolutely.)

This list includes books by both Muppet Show Muppets and Sesame Street characters, and it was a tad tough to narrow down. The Amazing Mumford’s foray into science with his book on bones, Bert’s Hall of Great Inventions and Elmo’s unabashedly-titled Balls! weren’t easily eliminated, mind you.

The 10 Best Books Written by Muppets

#10 One Frog Can Make a Difference: Kermit’s Guide to Life in the ‘90s by Kermit the Frog

Though the title is dated, don’t discount the wisdom of a frog who received an honorary doctorate of Amphibious Letters from Southampton College in 1996. He even dispenses advice for writers: "It's all kinds of simple: Just don't take yourself too seriously and don't listen to experts (including pigs), and you've pretty much got it."

#9 The Muppet Picnic Cookbook by Jim Henson’s Muppets

This rare and elusive cookbook was only briefly published by Hallmark, so if you can find a copy, guard it like your Mamaw’s stew-stained recipe cards. Featuring recipes from Muppet Show cast members (Animal’s Zesty Baked Beans, Kermit’s Swamp Salad), it also contains what might well be the only printed copy of a Swedish Chef recipe. His Barbecued Filet of Sole calls for two sneakers, but allows for the substitution of broiler chickens.

#8 Miss Piggy’s Treasury of Art Masterpieces from the Kermitage Collection by Miss Piggy (Edited by Henry Beard)

Miss Piggy has two entries on this list for good reason: she has more books than any other character. The Suzanne Somers of Muppet celebrity publishing, Miss Piggy goes well beyond Somers’ moody poetry and menopause musings. A case in point is this brilliantly curated art collection, containing Botticelli’s The Birth of You Know Who (pictured), Whistler’s Weirdo and Rembrandt’s Arisfroggle contemplating the bust of a Twerp.

#7 Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life, Miss Piggy's Rules or The Diva Code by Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy's Guide to Life is out-of-print, but her other self-help books The Diva Code and The Rules spoof Miss Piggy’s Rules contain similar advice in a glamorously self-indulgent style previously matched only by Miss Eartha Kitt. If you need to know when a karate chop is better than a kiss or which furs to pack, this one’s for you.

#6 Fozzie Bear’s Big Book of Side Splitting Jokes by Fozzie Bear

File this one next to Henny Youngman’s Giant Book of Jokes. The vaudevillian is the master behind lines like “I don’t approve of belly dancers. Why can’t they dance on the floor like everyone else?” Can’t find a copy? Follow Fozzie on Facebook.

#5 Oscar the Grouch’s Alphabet of Trash by Oscar the Grouch

The number of ABC books out there could probably fill a billion empty Borders stores, but from Anne Geddes’ babies-in-bumblebee-outfits to Richard Scarry’s bunnies-acting-like-people, alphabet books have always been a bit precious. Not so with Oscar’s ABC, where D is for dust and E is for eggshells. Full of crummy stuff for those who love crummy stuff.

#4 It’s Hard Out Here for a Shrimp by Pepe the King Prawn

In the vein (Get it? Vein?) of fellow cast members guides to life, the Malaga, Spain-born prawn dishes advice on “the womens.” Tip: the whole thing is better if you read it in Pepe’s voice. (Example: “Never ask out the woman who just finished talking to your ex-girlfriend, okay?”)

#3 Before You Leap: A Frog’s Eye View of Life’s Greatest Lessons by Kermit the Frog

When you tire of Lao Tzu or Emerson, it would serve you well to seek the wisdom of one of entertainment’s greatest thinkers. Seriously. The first of his family to leave the swamp, Kermit overcame his humble beginnings to become a hard-working reporter (and the best-looking one before we had Anderson Cooper) and ultimately a star.

#2 How to Be a Grouch by Oscar the Grouch

Oscar’s alphabet was just a warm-up. All the good stuff is in here, with Oscar dispensing secrets for becoming a grouch yourself. One of my favorite tips is the advice to sleep with rocks in your bed, with your head hanging over onto the floor, so you’ll wake up good and grouchy. Oscar also clues us in on what grouches eat: pickle splits, chunky fish ice cream or hot beef stew with chocolate gravy in a melon, for example.

#1 The Monster at the End of This Book by Grover

The book may be credited to Jon Stone, but the entire thing is in first person, so this is clearly an as-told-to credit. If you were lucky enough to grow up with this book, congratulate yourself, because that means you were probably also lucky enough to have a parent who read it to you in Grover’s voice. Grover’s pleas for you to stop turning the pages are among the most melodramatic in all literature, and most people’s first experience with the breaking of the fourth wall --or whatever the literary equivalent is. (Lesser known is Lovable, Furry Old Grover’s Resting Places --also an interactive piece worth a look for young ‘uns.)

Easton Press needs to get on this one. I’d shell out for a leatherbound in a heartbeat.

There are a few titles I'd like to see from the Muppets: a full Swedish Chef cookbook, for example, a tell-all bio from Janice of the Electric Mayhem and a manifesto from Sam the Eagle. What would you like to see?

The Chinua Achebe vs. 50 Cent Legal Battle Is Bogus

2011-09-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

You may have read about the legal battle between Nigerian novelist Chinua Achebe and rapper 50 Cent. If not, the quick version is that Achebe took offense at the title of the rapper’s upcoming autobiographical movie: Things Fall Apart --the same as Achebe’s most famous piece of fiction.

Achebe’s legal team won, and the movie has been retitled. I find it interesting that the case didn’t go to court. If it had, there’s a likely chance a judge would have allowed 50 Cent’s use of Things Fall Apart, for one simple reason: titles can’t be copyrighted.

It’s true. While in some cases titles can be trademarked (franchises that go beyond books, or series titles), copyright law deems that the titles alone of things like books or songs --unlike their contents-- can’t be copyrighted.

That’s why I can say I’ve read Twilight. Not the Stephenie Meyer hoop-de-doo, but Elie Wiesel’s. It’s why there are at least a dozen romance novels called Everlasting. And it’s why “Crazy” is an entirely different song depending on whether you’re listening to Patsy Cline, Aerosmith or Gnarls Barkley.

To make matters more ridiculous, Achebe’s title comes from “The Second Coming,” a poem by Yeats (and one of my favorites). Achebe wasn’t alone in mining Yeats for titles. In fact, so many authors have taken their titles from the same poem that a friend of mine jokingly refers to “The Second Coming” as “that poem made out of book titles.”

Just a few titles off the top of my head gleaned from the very same bit o’ Yeats:

The Second Coming by Walker Percy
Slouching Towards Bethlehem by Joan Didion
What Rough Beast by William Watkins
The Blood Dimmed Tide by Rennie Airth
The Widening Gyre by Robert Parker

And lest you think “Well, that’s all fine and good, but Achebe’s only worried about the specific phrase “things fall apart"...Things Fall Apart has been borrowed from Yeats by more people for more titles than any other piece of Yeats ever.

Things Fall Apart is the title of several works of both fiction and non-fiction. It’s the name of a little-known post-apocalyptic novel and a book about Iraqui civil war. It’s the name of both a Star Trek novel and an issue of The Justice League.

Maybe Achebe’s legal team is only concerned about non-book use of the title, then? In that case, they need to send cease-and-desists to the web comic Things Fall Apart, and stop NBC and ABC from selling or re-running episodes of The West Wing or Ugly Betty, both of which have episodes called “Things Fall Apart.” The BBC is also in trouble.

80's songstress Cristina Monet recorded a song called "Things Fall Apart," as did indie rockers Built to Spill and London band Serafina (plus other folks you've never heard of.) The Roots won a Grammy in 1999 for a song from their album...you guessed it: Things Fall Apart.

The bottom line is: as well-known as Achebe’s novel is around the world, the phrase is not copyrightable, and has a distinct life of its own, starting with Yeats, that reaches far beyond Achebe.

50 Cent’s team apparently offered $1 million for the title, which was turned down. In the instances cited above, no one offered anyone anything. If they had, it should have been offered to the ghost of Yeats.

Several Internet commenters seem to agree on one thing: Yeats would have taken the money.

What do you think? Should 50 Cent be allowed to use the title Things Fall Apart like pretty much everyone else has?